I heard a loud a bang and saw an angel who wore a name tag bearing the title Clerk and the Devil was submitting a letter to him. On his departure, the Angel scanned through the letter and was looked visibly worried and this was strange to me.

I approached the desk and asked him what the problem was since we humans had the impression that celestial beings had no problems, with a frown on his brow he said; it is you NIGERIANS again.

I begged him to show me the contents of the letter as it concerned my Nigeria, reluctantly he gave me the letter and I read its content and woke up on my bed. I promised to share the contents of the letter for self-appraisal and it went thus….

August 23, 2018

Dear Omniscience, Omnipotence, Omnipresence God,




It is on record that my ilk and their kind are not replenished by you despite the depletion in our numbers by your prayer warriors who despise sleep, unlike humans You grow them by the day in millions such that the slant-eyed ones are now close to 2 billion people, while the Bollywood people are over a billion people. We know if we ask for you to reduce the growing number of prayer warriors, you will not grant me us the request thus we must review the deployment of our lean resources for optimum maximization like in the case of Nigeria.

We do not want to make the same mistake twice when you tricked us to believe that causing Judas to fall to our temptation and betray Jesus Christ was in our favor: instead of us to have compelled Judas to reject our offer of 30 pieces of silver and cause him to love Jesus, or even compel Pilate to become compassionate and free Jesus. This would have made you a liar; I guess we lacked the two vital ingredients of Love and Compassion in our DNA and we failed woefully.

In the light of our purpose to cause mankind to abandon you and go to hell: we have reviewed our operations and in the bid to maximize our resources for optimum returns, we are pulling out of Nigeria for the following reasons: Despite the proliferation of worship centers and praying more than the Israelis and the Saudis, Nigerians have refused to jettison their pre-colonial way of thought and lifestyle.

It is amazing that despite our successes in Nigeria, you have continued to pour resources upon them and their budget has grown to $20 billion, yet they cannot ‘count’ themselves. If they don’t know how many they are, how can my team plot our activities against them? Initially, we thought it was a strategy to confuse us, but we realized that a nation like Ecuador Geo-tags it’s 12 million cattle and can account for its people but that is a tall order for Nigerians.

In the case of Nigeria, they know their population figure is a lie; they plan with this population-lie and even make a forecast with this population-lie. Nigeria currently threatens my ‘Lie’ department with under-achievement as nowhere in the world does such a persistent ‘national corporate lie” exist, the population-lie is so well oiled that they even force the world to believe that they are up to 180 million. Take a look Ekiti State of supposedly 3.2 million and 842,731 registered voters as at Feb 2018; the state just hosted the ‘safest’ and most ‘incentive driven ‘ elections in the history of Nigeria’s pseudo-democracy.

The federal government poured in 34,000 thousand security personnel into the state even though we did not see 1,000 Coaster (30-seater) buses to cause accidents based on their disdain for safety measures. We hear both parties were offering between N3,000.00 and N4,000.00 for each vote , and even N3,000.00 was supposedly transferred to unpaid civil servants via e-transfers, yet only 374,000 people cast their votes on that day. How can a state of 3.2 million people, despite these financial incentives to vote had only such a meagre number of people to vote, dem no reach joor. Even the Ekiti witches have not asked for more staff in their sucking department. Nigeria is just a Lie, Lie Nation. We take pride in starting a project and take pride in its outcome whether good or bad, unlike their leaders. Ye-kpaa!!!

Nigerians know how to purchase and consume , so they have technology produced by others which can solve the population problem such as (1) BVN (2)National Identity Card (3)National Passport (4) Voters Card (5) Birth Enrolment (6)School Enrolment (7)GSM Registration(8) WASC (9) JAMB (10)NYSC (11) Pension (12) Death Registration, they have refused to link them while there are people in the National Population Commission who are paid monthly to give population figures but provide lie-lie figures.

I and my team marvel where the National Bureau of Statistics and the 37 Budget offices get their indices from to make projections? We have checked our records and confirmed that we did not approve this Corporate national population-lie and we will not stand by it. Tufiakwa !!!

It is on record that if any human being destroys any of my men through your power, we wait for a loophole and seek revenge, but in Nigeria, when other non-Nigerians kill their citizens, they even side with these outsiders to kill more for pecuniary interest shrouded in religion whether it be Maitaisine, Boko Haram and now Herdsmen. Remember the last time at Gadarenes when Jesus Christ tried our patience by dispossessing us of our human abode and my men begged to be sent into those pigs? Since they could not defeat them, they drew their pound of flesh from those stupid pigs who were watching them being disgraced and drowned them all, in Nigeria, they protect the cows instead of their people. Kai !!!  

We have gone digital to meet the current challenges caused by the race for development by serious nations: most have successfully tapped into the scientific secrets which you have provided, those who cannot develop them have bought them and transformed their nations like the UAE(the latter we forsook for a desert of ideas and resources) and Singapore( Where English language was a problem at a time).

Even Rwanda where we scored a major hit and we expected them to grovel from the complexities we created there, but they have successfully unified their country and refused to identify their nationals by ethnic origin, strengthened their public institutions and are deliberately keeping plastic bags out of their country contrary to our plans. In Nigeria, if you live outside your state of origin, it is near impossible to run for election there because you are not an indigene, who tempts people based on state of origin? We tempt all and sundry joor !

The pipo no well and make our work too easy!

We are tired of their analogue ways that make us to provide candles, torchlights and generators for my teams, who does that in this age of clean energy and abundant energy supply? From our findings for the past three decades they keep buying power plants and attempt to load it on their national grid that is over five decades old. Why will one try to convey 100 people in a 30 seater bus? Who does that? Omo, see wahala !!!

The Nigerians are pretentious people and love to dance to the gallery, now they parade themselves are democrats. A nation that their ballot papers do not carry the photographs of the contestants for ease of identification by my team, but the ballot papers bear the insignia of the Political Parties like Umbrella, Fowl and Broom and these are what Nigerians vote for and expect results. They are now 91 political parties and some of them will come with party insignias like pom-pom slippers (to signify modesty), a torn upholstery Chair (to signify humility and integrity) or ‘a pair of trekking legs’ (to signify competence) chai, nothing we never see for this Nigeria. Ayiba !!!

We have noticed that because of this, most people vote for the preferred party for President and Governor but when it comes to those who are meant to act as checks on the Executive, they just press their thumbs anyhow. It does not surprise us that the Houses of Assemblies pass budgets in the Government Houses in the states, while plenty national assembly members belong to the sidon-look club. We are a team that respects order and thus cannot stray beyond our jurisdiction as directed by You: this Nigeria situation is painful and injurious to our sight We are tired joor !!!

How can the political parties not have a database with INEC or even host them proudly online? How can political parties not pay some dues but depend on funding from stolen government funds? How can they tolerate a hijacked ‘delegate’ system (instead of a simple majority system that guarantees the right of each member) which denies the parties of any form of internal party democracy? Ori-mi!!!

When those social media people came with ‘Not too young to Run” we rolled with laughter: How can you run when the elections of party candidates for national elections are already rigged with the delegates system that is normally hijacked by the Governors and Godfathers of the parties? One party delegate vote is worth more than 100,000 PVCs. If the delegates are ‘instructed’ to vote for a goat, it is that goat that is brought to the nation to be voted for in the national elections. Chai!!!

How can INEC not prosecute electoral offenders from 1999 till now? How come INEC cannot probe or even audit the books of the parties despite having a law that prohibits expense for president not to exceed N1billion and N200million for Governorship? Egba-mi!!

In Nigeria despite our antics you have continued to bless the people with so much resources are now so scared that they believe that those they employed (with their votes) to work for them( About 8,000 elected officials) now own these God-given resources. Is it not uncommon to hear a Governor say “ my money don come” (He is referring to the state statutory allocation)?

Even me who rule the Earth have not laid claim ownership to these resources or even attempt to claim “money’ that they say is the root of all evil. But the Governors find it offensive and feel insulted when your people ask for the population- lie-lie Budget...Egbami!!

The ‘elected’ politicians copiously quote the scriptures and claim to come from you even though they use our boys to shoot and rig themselves to power since according to them haven helps those who help themselves, in our bewilderment we have not being able to find that quote in the scriptures; we have also checked for “Cleanliness is next to Godliness “, 3 wise men, kai -Walahi e no dey for Bible just like for Muslims to kill non-Muslims no dey the Quran.

The Executive at the federal level believe they are superior to the Judiciary and the Legislature just as Governors believe that the Local Government council and State House of Assembly are their kids who are devoid of mental capacity. When the statutory allocation comes, the local government chairmen share them in hotel rooms, while Governors build statutes or give wheelbarrows as a form of empowerment on national television. They celebrate salary payments for which money is given to them monthly, a mundane task which their forebears in the sixties never mentioned because of this stupidity, we even overheard Pa Awolowo begging you to allow him to return to come and give them a piece of his mind…Yekpaa!!!

The civil servants aid these politicians not to pay pensions and some months down the line, you see these same civil servants demonstrating as retirees for non-payment of their benefits, which kind people are these, even my small demons are in shock.  

The legislature keep suffering impeachments that is not based on the convictions of the members but for the ejaculation of those in the presidency from inception of this their pseudo-democracy and only recently some mad men invaded their senate chambers and ran away with the mace while armed hooded men prevented representatives of the ethnic nationalities of Nigeria from accessing the National Assembly.

We have succeeded in making their Presidency not to arrest those mace snatchers seen on national television but the hooded men resisted us and refused to pull the trigger, even the Daura man dodged us and refused to escalate the agenda. We suspect these DSS people have been praying together.

In the 1940s one of our accomplished members Adolf Hitler had our team in his secret police called Gestapo and the present government copied them and chiseled down the doors of the judges late at night and arrested some of them. We thought it was our team in operation; obviously our old and jettisoned ‘lawlessness & impunity’ work manuals were being implemented without our consent. This is unacceptable; we are supposed to be in charge.

These your people still sell unrefined crude and cannot see the West coast and East Africa as market for Nigeria refined petroleum products refined from the exceptional Bonny light Crude oil you gave to them, instead they allow criminals to steal the crude oil and illegally refine it and provide kerosene and affordable diesel for the mass of the people at a huge profit.

The government cannot protect the natural resource that funds them instead they talk of modular refineries supposedly for the boys, just like their President recently prayed for food supply while he allows foreigners to destroy their food baskets in the middle belt and wants to build ranches for them. These kind people sef, they do not tell the people that kpo-fire products are profitable because the crude oil is not paid for and the kpo-fire products do not have the recommended world class additives and devoid of state taxes it is a profitable illegal business.

They do not tell the people that because they refine crudely and discharge their waste crudely , they shorten the lives of the residents in the oil producing areas by causing them to inhale poisonous particulate matter on a daily basis. Even one of their Governors who is known as ‘Country man” (the name depicts he is for the people) at the onset but now is known as ‘Opu-Abaji”( the name means Big Ocean: who does he want to drown) has come out to say that “ ‘Environmental pollution is the cause of various Cancer in the Niger Delta region and that it is secretly depleting their population”. We like to be in charge of our operations, this is too much.

The nation expends resources on salaries, trainings, leave allowances and dry-ration on over 9,000 workers in three Refineries yet they do not meet local demands. When the administration came on board and there was some perceived jerks in production of refined products, the ‘sycophantic choir’ said it was due to the no nonsense body language of their leader and we wonder what has happened to that body language. Is it difficult to bring in Chiyoda of Japan to Turn-around the Port Harcourt Refinery instead  of that man from the East ( that attempt was akin to taking your 737 Aircraft to Ladipo for repairs)?

What is difficult in conducting an audit on their Refineries and inform the nation about the ones to be scrapped due to their obsolete technology so that the well trained staff can be deployed to other sectors in dire need of them? If they can borrow to pay wages (My team simply walks into the bank and robs them joor) why can’t they make public a well thought program for this very lucrative sector in the light of local and regional demand that is fx denominated (price of crude to the refineries are in dollars while sales to Africa will be in dollars) in earnings and can be self-sustaining if managed in a non-naija style.Walahi we don tire for them.  

These Naija people started shouting about the police and their Federal Special Anti-Robbery Squad forgetting that a police unit that breaks all the rules of the police from not wearing uniforms to bearing machetes and attacking the populace is a reflection of the police and their nation at large.

When did Armed Robbery inspired by my team become a federal matter? I use state bound demons and agents to execute armed robberies. How can the police now have a Fsars Commissioner of police that does not report to the state Commissioner of police thus creating a dual chain of command even though the Constitution of Nigeria only recognizes only one Commissioner of Police and that one is a member of the State Security Council made up of the Army, Navy, DSS and Civil Defense? What if the other agencies begin to have parallel organs in a state that do not report to them, how do the constitutional recognized heads account for the activities of their agencies at these security council meetings? We wonder should these competent crimes fighters in FSARS/SARS not be given state commands to man for ease of our team to allocate resources in tempting them?

In the Nigeria military the fear of the military police is the beginning of wisdom for any serving personnel, while the Provost Marshall is supposed to replicate the same perception in the Police and enforce discipline and the standard operational procedure in the police according to world best practice of policing globally. This is supposed to be given bite by the Police Service Commission, but every inspector General of Police deliberately whittles down the power of the Provost Marshall or completely cuts them off and create units like the IGP X squad who usurp their duties. While the Police Service Commission is manned by ex-policemen who create and sustain the problems of the police and Nigerians expects a better police force. What manner of people are these Nigerians?

The Nigeria Police gives priority to those who torment them the most in the allocation of their meagre resources of men and material; these are the politicians and civil servants. The politicians whom they protect own the boys who cause mayhem and even kill them. When they arrest them, the policemen succumb to phone calls to release these boys, mess up investigations or even throw cases for the sake of self-preservation as every Policemen sees himself as O.Y.O.

Please don’t let the politicians know that a strong and professional police system can be an effective antidote against any attack on their democracy or a repeat of our successful and celebrated political projects of 1966, 1967-70, 1975,1983, 1984 and June 12 in their history.

The recent announcement by the acting President ordering the Inspector General of Police to reorganize FSARS /SARS is strange because how can a man be a judge in his own matter? The current IGP supervised and even defended them, so the re-organization announced by the their IGP is a clear case of Azonto mixed with our special dance step that we introduced in Ghana called ‘One-Corner”. A small dance step we introduced to our few disciples in Ghana have been hijacked by more people and taken to a new level that even shocks hell; they even have the guts to assail our eyesight daily on youtube.

The Nigeria Police birthed the immigration, Department of State Security, Nigeria Civil Defense Corp, EFCC, ICPC and other security-related departments in Nigeria; the Policemen complained in under military rule that the military feared their capacity and the ensured they ran the police aground. But for the past 19 years that Civilian rule has returned where the police have a private jet for the inspector general and BMWs as staff cars for the Oga-dem, what have they done for the rank and file? Nothing!

If they have done for the Policemen and women we ask them;

1. Do Policemen have digital readable identity cards?

2. Do Policemen go for shooting practice and weapon handling weekly as is done abroad?

3. Do Police Commands have shooting range like the military?

4. Do the Police provide free treatment and medical facilities for their men?

5. Do families of deceased officers receive the benefits of their loved one in six months?

6. Is there a plan for housing widows /families whose parent die in action before they are kicked out of the barracks ( this question also applies to the military)?

7. When Policemen are transferred is there provision for temporary accommodation and do they receive their transfer allowance before expected to resume?

8. The Police budgets for books; does the Police have a library?

9. The Police budgets for uniforms and other apparels for their men; does the police provide free uniforms, boots and berets?

10. When policemen die under fire, do their commands celebrate them?

11. Can the average policeman afford to live where a contract staff of a bank lives?

12. Is it not true that the Police is absent in most areas in the north due to a dearth of men?

13. Have the Police released the adducted Policewomen? Or are they forgotten?

14. Have Divisional Traffic Officers (DTO) not turn to collaborators with transporters and agents of distortion in cities as they allow commercial vehicles to park, load and get away with murder on our roads for the sake of tolls ?

15. Is promotion based on merit? Are there not men on the same rank for 5 years?

16. Is there a place where Policemen can complain and get redress without being victimized ?

17. Have Policemen not complained on radio of illegal deductions from their salaries (Abuja & local)?

18. Is it not true that the Police from 1975-date never get 50% of the Budget ?

19. Is not true that only minute portion of their budget gets to them maybe in the 3rd quarter of the year yet they give their tormentors priority in the deployment of men and resources?

20. Is it not true that Police with politicians get promoted faster and above their colleagues in field operations?

21. Have the Police ever publicly decorated any member of the rank and file of FSARS/SARS ?

22. Is it not true that most police stations do not have vehicles and they resort to the illegal practice of using exhibit vehicles for operations contrary to police Standard operating procedures?

23. Is it not true that DPOs are not funded and even funds for informants no longer exist like was done in the past?

24. Is not true that the Police do not run forensic test nor background checks on their recruits or nation of origin and have all these information captured on a digital database?

25. Is it not true that the marine police department is moribund?

26. Walahi ,we tire to ask questions joor !!!


I and my demons feel very sorry for policemen in Nigeria and we avoid them; from training college they buy everything they need for themselves, some of the training schools don’t even have windows. They are kept on the highway for months without toilet facilities, food nor shelter and Nigerians pass them daily and abuse them. You cannot keep a British, American nor Chinese Policeman on a highway for 6moths without food or shelter, even demons dey sorry them.

We see some of them on the same rank for 7 years if they can’t sort, so it is easy for my demons to use some of them from time to time, ask the late Lawrence Anini the armed robber from Edo State and the dollar denominated kidnapper Evans. We don’t go to those barracks so as not to be infected, who still keeps policemen in barracks? In the desire of the police command in the last 19 years to create spheres of authority; they keep adding new colors of Berets until they got tired and turned to bandanas, kai we don tire!!!

This there Nigeria with plenty professors and big-big names do not know that they are a leading practising nation of our philosophy called IBERI-IBERISM; this school of thought we kept secret for a longtime until one of our seasoned scholars of philosophy made it public.

▪ We are leaving because Nigerians want to render us jobless and have outclassed us in all departments;

▪ We introduced lies; they exported it as 419 and spiced it to Yahoo and G-trade (Boyz).

▪ We introduced deceit; they spiced it up as Wayo.

▪ We introduced corruption; they converted it to looting and converted to carting away the pot & the firewood.

▪ We introduced election rigging; they spiced it with violence and now upped it with vote buying.

▪ We introduced stealing; they added arm robbery, pretence and murder.

We are tired, kindly approve for us to leave Nigeria for them.

In service till judgement day,


A satire by Eugene Abels originally published on …August 24, 2018